Fuck you JC Penney

And this isn't the only barf-inducing t-shirt they stock

This is what is happening in the Catskills

I'm watching for a place to donate relief funds.  When I know I'll post it here.

"Sounds like PANIC to me" Writing Contest!

There are two kinds of people in NYC today: those who are panicking about the incoming storm, and those of us annoyed by the hysteria.  To give everyone something else to think about for a couple days, let's have a writing contest!

The prize is a good one: THE CUT by George Pelecanos.  (It's f/ing AMAZING!!)


Rules for the contest are a little different this time.


Write a story using 150 words or fewer (note the word count change from the usual 100).  Use at least three sets of homonyms (words that sound the same) from the list below.

(Example Noah built an ark using his arc and straight edge)

Bonus points given if you use the homonym sets of three or four words. (Example: She heaved a sigh at the handsome hunk from Planet Xi who made her heart compress at 36 psi)

Use ONLY the homonyms from the list below.

arc/ark
bail/bale

dam/damn
faux/foe

fisher/fissure
marshal/martial

sachet/sashay
weather/wether

ore/or/oar
psi/sigh/xi

rain/reign/rein
slew/slough/slue

wail/whale/wale


right/write/rite/wright
Sioux/sou/sue/sough



Contest opens at 10am tomorrow (Saturday 9/27)  It runs through 10am Sunday (9/28).

Post your entry in the comments column of this blog. Enter only once.  If you make a mistake delete your entry and post again.

Don't post comments that aren't entries.

If you have questions about this contest you can tweet to me @janet_reid
If you have questions and you don't know what "tweet to me" means, check out twitter.com

Ready? Set! WRITE!  sorry, too late. Contest closed now.

Yesterday, I biked to the office

And almost killed seven blind idiotic stupid prima facie evidence that Darwin is not "just a theory" New York City pedestrians.

Now I have a safer mode of transport

Nominee for Least Effective Query of the Year Prize

A printed book.
No cover letter.

A sharpie inscription: I need a publisher. Author initials. Phone number.



Can you spot all ten errors?

I'm tempted to say the best answer in the comment column wins this book...but then realized no one would enter if that was the prize.


Best answer wins a book from my shelves. 

This is going to f/ing EPIC

I already have plans to misuse and betray all my friends by forcing them to participate!

Yar! you suck!

One of the comments to my post today about the new rejection letter template said she'd rather it be in pirate-speak.



okedokey!

Yar, me hardy,


I read your screed.
I’d like to make you bleed.


Your book is bilge water;
Go learn how to write a book like you otter.


I’ll make you walk the plank,
Or I’ll keelhaul you, you skank!


Never be sendin’ me pence when I want dubloons.
I’ll own you for one of them writer goons!


I’m slippin’ you this here black spot …
Go learn that after each sentence come a dot.

Ruthlessly lifted from the awesome and talented

Rachael de Vienne whose book "Pixie Warrior" is available on Amazon!

"Please respond only if interested"

I'm slooowly working my way through a backlog of queries and requested manuscripts.  I came across this in one of the queries today: Please respond only if interested.

I understand the query sender's motivation: it's hard to get those rejections.

But here's why you do not EVER want to put that in a query:  if you can't stand rejection at this stage of the game, you're in the wrong game.


Here's just a sampling of the kind of rejections you have yet to see:

1. editors not buying the book
2. chain stores not stocking the book
3. libraries not buying the book
4. 1-star posts on Amazon cause a reader thinks the ebook price is too high

5. publisher not picking up your next book
6. publisher not picking up your third book
7. publisher not picking up your fourth book

This industry is nothing but rejection. You either figure out how to deal with it, or you need to get out now.   I'm not saying you have to love it. I'm certainly not saying you have to turn it into some sort of sadistic motivational tool.  You figure out how you best deal with it, and start practicing.

Every writer gets rejected.  You may as well get used to it now. Cause even if I am interested in your project, if you send off signals of "I'm a delicate flower" you're going to get..yup.. rejected.

Want! WANT!

Always glad to improve!

A recent querier took me to task (nicely) for the rejection letter he received. It was "too nice;" he needed brutal lashings so he too could rail against the evil that is Publishing.

Always happy to oblige, I have found a template for my new rejection letter. Herewith:

(via Gothamist)

For my sight-impaired readers, herewith the text not as a picture:

You worthless, acid-sucking piece of illiterate shit! Don't ever send this kind of brain-damaged swill in here again. If I had the time, I'd come out there and drive a fucking wooden stake into your forehead.  Why don't you get a job, germ?  Maybe delivering advertising handouts door to door, or taking tickets for a wax museum.  You drab South Bend cocksuckers are all the same; like those dope-addled dingbats at the Rolling Stone office.  I'd like to kill those bastards for sending me your piece . . .  and I'd just as soon kill you, too.  Jam this morbid drivel up your ass where your readership will better appreciate it.

Sincerely

Yail Bloor III

Minister of Belles-Lettre

P.S. Keep up the good work. Have a nice day.

an overdose of cute today

The only reason I got up this morning was to watch this

yes

Who you listen to makes a difference.
How to figure out who to listen to is tricky.
Start here.

The rule of thumb here is: give the most weight to the advice given by people actually DOING the work you want to do or making the decisions about your work. 

In other words:
for queries listen to agents.
for writing listen to editors.
for job applications listen to the people doing the hiring.

this photo of the the storm here in NYC last night is one of just many amazing photos at NYCisMyMuse.com  Check it out!

Last night on Twitter, I made a comment that one of my clients purposely uses a word in his manuscript that he knows I loathe. It's been a running joke with us for years. It's always there, and when I come across it as I read I usually email him a giant scream that looks like this:

aieeeeeeeee!

of course that prompted several people to wonder what the word was.
And to offer up their own detested words:

Aside from grammatical errors (impacted; safety deposit box; laid down) do you have words that just annoy the bejeepers out of you?

Sox Knocker contest winner!

As usual you torment me with your talent.


Not quite a story in and of itself, but holy hell, these entries enticed me:

JaredZ 12:18pm
Patty Blount 12:57pm
JustWriteCat 2:59pm

GregKShipman 4:51am
Sass 10:43am
Michael G-G 11:12am



My favorite new word: excogitating
M.R. Jordan 1:16pm




clever, clever, clever
Dave 10:40am



Great line:
my fevered eyes darting between the two men in front of me: the whole and the severed.

Maja 5:44pm


One minute she was spreading jelly on my sandwich, the next she was looking at me like I was a t-bone.
Adrienne 8:11pm




He'd seen so many dreams roll down the alley and into the gutter that he'd lost all hope of a break.
Celdaran 11:52pm



You’re not even my type—a t-bone tossed at a vegan—and yet I’m stark, cravin’ mad.
Catcaller 2:27am





Karl pinned his foot, drunk with Autobahn fever.
Steve Forti 8:46am



Great opening lines:

Centerville's annual Food Fling Fever Festival always attracts its most reclusive citizens. Every year at the appointed hour, hermits, misanthropes, and agoraphobes swarm the main square, bleary-eyed and unkempt, dragging their precious launchers behind them.

Shaunna 12:05am











These four made the first cut, good stories all

Patrick DiOrio 2:00pm
Curtis 5:06pm

Terri Coop 9:26pm
Kate Outhwaite 5:40pm





These next three made the second cut a VERY hard choice
Kregger 12:17pm
jesse 3:16pm
steven 3:37pm





These are the three finalists:


K 9:22pm

The echocardiogram took forever. Hard to believe that heart was worth anything, yet a 23 year old grad student with a congenital defect had fingers crossed.

Organ donors were bleeding-heart socialists in Mike’s world.

But his brain had been jelly since he rolled his damned mid-life Camaro over the bank to be t-boned by the oncoming truck. Brain dead, on life support and burning with fever—what was left of his life lay in my hands.

The dead blonde riding shotgun made it too easy.

“I’ll sign,” I said. Mike’s heart was still mine to give away.



Germaine Dulac 3:48am

When he asked me what I wanted, I said broiled t-bone, two fried eggs, side of hashbrowns, hot roll with butter--fresh churned, if they had it.

He brought the food himself. Even kept me company while I ate.

Afterwards, he offered me a Jolly Rancher. I thanked him, popped one in my mouth and waited. We talked sports. A man came to see me, said a few fevered words and left. I checked the clock. Footsteps echoed. Finally he took out his keys.

The walk was short.

When he strapped me down, I didn’t say much. Just thanked him again.



Becke Davis 4:38pm

Life was a jelly roll, T-Bone decided.

He drooled a little just looking at it—the damn thing was a fever in his blood. He knew the rule about no table scraps. His master’s voice said it so often the words were a constant echo, giving him a headache.

But was it technically a “scrap” if it was still on the table? Perched on his master’s plate, in fact, while he went for a refill of coffee? He thought not.

Sluuuurp!

“T-Bone! Where’s my jelly roll?”

Jelly roll? he burped. What jelly roll?




I'll have you know it was no easy task to decide the winner this time. Each is wonderful in its own way. I thought about taking the easy way out and saying "they ALL win" but didn't. I changed my mind at least twice about who the final winner is too. So really, you all did win, at least once.  The one who wins last though is K 9:22pm 



The prize is terrific too: an ARC of A CORPSE'S NIGHTMARE by Phillip DePoy. I read this last week and it knocked my sox off. No surprise there: the editor is Keith Kahla and Keith is largely responssible for this backlog of work I have cause whenever he sends me a book I can't seem to stop reading.

I printed the warning on a mug to remind myself to NOT OPEN THOSE PACKAGES:

the back of the mug is the first line of the book:

so yea, you want to read it.  Unless you are K 9:22pm you can Pre-order here! If you are K, drop me an email and I'll send you the book and the mug!

And thanks to everyone who entered!

Hot time in the old town tonight-ok, next week

Yowza! Andrew Grant and Brad Thor doing a joint appearance. Talk about motivation to get even ME out of NYC and on my broom to Chicago.

August 12. Stevenson High School auditorium in Lincolnshire, IL.

Details here!

Rx for the day from hell

We all have em: the day that starts bad and gets worse. Today was that day. I got through it of course, and if I wasn't telling the world about it here, probably no one would know. Except the people across the hall who might have thought a puma was loose in the place given the crashing, yowling and hissing that could be heard even through closed doors.

Well I survived. And so did the apartment.

But at the end of the day it was time for some therapy.  Not my usual. I didn't want to be drunk and stupid and in a foul mood. That's a recipe for disaster of epic proportions. (don't ask me how I know this)

No, this disaster called for an intervention of a different sort. This disaster required SuperAuthor Kristan Higgins.

Because truthfully, nothing cures a foul frame of mind better than a good romantic comedy and Kristan Higgins is a master of the form.  I've read and loved her books before.  I keep them in a locked cupboard, along with the tourniquet, morphine, and fire ax.  "Use only when disaster strikes" supplies.

Well it did, and I did, and it worked.

MY ONE AND ONLY. You might want to keep a copy in your disaster preparedness bag.  Me, I've got two more just in case.

Oh, the places you'll go!

Looking for a job with no money and lots and lots of overtime?
Look no more!
Yes, FinePrint is looking for Fall 2011 intern applicants!

Most of our interns end up with jobs in publishing (the rest end up in straightjackets most likely)

We have a proven record of helping you learn what you need to know to stand out in a competitive field.

Cupcakes, whisky, and shark bites are considered perks of the job!

the highlight of my day

If you're a writer with a book on submission that hasn't sold (yet) read this

CJ Redwine is one smart cookie.  I remember when her very first novel was making the agent rounds. I read it. So did two good friends of mine. Two of us knew it was perfect for the third. And it was.


I've always had a bit of a softspot in my heart for CJ. I loved her book.  I watched from across the bar as time marched on and the book didn't sell.

And then, she got a deal.  She was over the moon. Her incredibly talented marvelous agent Holly Root was over the moon.  And the two of us who'd kept an eye on CJ: yup, we were over the moon too. Naturally we celebrated with drinks. 

CJ has some cogent insight into this process here on her blog.  If you're in her shoes--an author with an agent and an unsold book--what CJ says here will give you some valuable perspective.

Plus how could you not want to read a blog post that has this picture on it

Writing Contest starts 8/3 at noon!

Time for the next writing contest!

Usual rules: write a story using 100 words or fewer. Post your entry in the comments column of this blog post. Contest opens on Wednesday 8/3 at noon, runs for 24 hours till noon on Thursday 8/4.  If you goof up, you can take a mulligan. The LAST entry is the one that counts.

Use these five words in the story:

echo
fever
jelly  
roll
t-bone


There's a connection; do you know what it is?

The prize is AMAZING! It's my most recent Sox Knocker book! (more on that to come!)

Comments are closed till the contest opens.

(and let's see if I can remember to post the winners a little more -ahem- promptly!)


CONTEST NOW CLOSED!

Tuesday afternoon at the Question Emporium

After attending a conference, I made some great connections with aspiring authors. We created a critique group and it just happened that my manuscript was the first to be disseminated. A couple of the other authors in our critique group decided to do complete rewrites of their manuscripts while reading my final draft. Three weeks later, I received one person's newest draft. Much to my surprise, fifty pages into the manuscript, I discovered three of my most carefully crafted metaphors (and I'm not talking about some cliche like "the place was crawling with cops") in her book. I noted it in the margin of her document, but I really feel that more should be said. I feel violated as an author and a person.

My manuscript has been requested by several literary agents and so it does stand a chance to be published. I worry about someone else querying a novel in the same genre with my words and ideas written as her own.

How should I deal with this situation? I have no problem confronting the writer, but I would like to do so in a professional manner.


So, now I have to actually write all my own metaphors?  I steal from people all the time.  You think I made up "slithery Barbara Poelle" and  "posse of Fabulosity?" Hell no. I stole them from Twitter and use them without shame. The first use of "Herpet-American assistant" for my stuffed 14-foot boa was by Abby Zidle. You'll notice you never see her name mentioned again when I use it.

A carefully crafted metaphor is what: five words? Six?  No matter how you slice and dice it** that's fair use.

And let's stand at the other side of this and remember that if she read it in your manuscript first, it was a metaphor that felt so true and so real that it sank into her mind and became exactly how something is described.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery** and all that.

I recognize plagiarism is a very VERY serious problem, but this is hitting an ant with an anvil.**  Just note in the margins something breezy like "I'm so glad you liked my metaphor!" No need to call the police quite yet.

I assure you that there isn't going to be a problem with an agent reading your work or hers and wondering who came up with the metaphor first.

And you can't protect ideas. Don't even think about worrying about that. Even if every writer in your group started with your EXACT idea, the execution would be totally different. Don't believe me? Look at any of the writing contests on this blog and others. Everyone starts with the same word prompts or hints and no one comes close to writing the same story as anyone else.

You need to get used to the idea that people will use your words either intentionally or un.  What are you going to do when you're published? Pursue everyone who uses your phrase on their blog?

Simmer down. Write. Quit obsessing.  If you feel the need to obsess about things, the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin is still up for debate.**

You're at the top of a slippery slope** that leads to people sending me password protected manuscripts; asking about how we watermark manuscripts; or being unwilling to even query me until I've answered 15 questions verifying I won't steal their work. This is not the slope you want to sled down.




**also stolen

your kid at in a bookstore or library

There's a very interesting post here at Publishers Weekly about identifying kids as a "strong reader"...or not.

When you take your kid to the bookstore (you DO take your kid to the bookstore or library, right?) are you aware of what you say?

Pugs 1; Shark 0

Red flags in the query hoard

Incoming query:

I might be an author trying to sell a book, but I also have other tasks on my plate.  I simply cannot take the time daily to spend writing agents and publishers. ***

Given that it is 2011 and technology is sophisticated, I have chosen to put my QUERY letter on a website.


If I queried editors with something like that I'd be fired 40+ times in a New York minute. 

If you don't have enough time to query well, you don't have enough time to be published well.

I know most of you would never dream of writing a query letter like that, but you might be looking at all the guidelines and thinking "crap, that's a lot."  Yup.  And it doesn't get any easier.

Querying is your first step in a new profession.  This kind of query is like handing the Human Resources department a thumbdrive instead of a resume.  It makes perfect sense to you but it wasn't what we asked for. And that pretty much tells us what we need to know.

***it doesn't help to see it posted here either as well as hearing from a dozen editor pals about it as well